Insecurity

Insecurity by Jessica Penfold

Romans 8:15, “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’(Daddy)”

My friend Shawn invited me to lunch yesterday. To me it was kind of funny sense I had mentioned our friendship moments earlier in my blog. The lunch was not particularly important other than I like to share the inspirations of my writings, and to show the constant murmuration of the Spirit, and how God works everything together for good.

My body readily accepts invitations to lunch as it loves to eat. My soul readily accepts my best friend’s invitation because I know he will listen, and allow me to empty my heart, and he will always return with something to fill my soul. And my spirit readily accepts because I know that our conversation will always have a spiritual focus, and this is good.

And so we went to lunch. Shawn did not know this, but lately what God is dealing with in me is being positive. Seeing the glass half full instead of half empty... really nothing more than seeing the good that He sees.  Everywhere I go this lesson is murmurated. It comes from my youngest daughter, from my wife, from co-workers, from reading, from prayer…  it is everywhere in my life right now.

In the course of our conversation Shawn said something to the effect of, ‘the biggest problem with us (mankind/Christianity) is our insecurity. Look at Adam & Eve, it was insecurity that made them hide from God.’ At this point I momentarily disconnected thinking I have this problem solved. I have hundreds of blog post that in effect say don’t be insecure about going to God, don’t let sin keep you from seeking Him, trust that Jesus made a way to go regardless of condition… but when I quit gloating in my own mind that I have overcome insecurity I realized that my seeing the glass half empty, my expecting of a storm, my fears of my children’s futures are in fact my very own insecurities.

No sooner do I get back to the office and life proves that my negativities are in fact insecurities. Not insecurities with regards to my abilities. Not insecurity associated with my positions or abilities as a loan officer, a husband, a father, or even a minister. But my insecurity that God could never have me as a son. The scripture says we are not led by fear (insecurity) of a slave but by a confidence in being adopted children of God. Yet deep inside me there is this expectation that God is going to let me go broke, there is the expectation that I have to take care of my children into perpetuity. My negative expectation is that another storm will come, and I will fail again. And sure enough, a loan I have been working on for months that was to pay me $6000 blew up. I was counting on the money to pay necessities.

This is not the first loan I have had denied, it will not be the last. But that $6000 not coming strikes fear in me. It makes me think this is the month God lets me fall. This is the month all my needs go unmet, even in the sheer overwhelming evidence that He has NEVER left a need unmet. Why must I be so insecure? Why must I be so negative?

With my new book coming out called “God Heals” I have story after story of God healing other people from incurable aliments, and yet deep in my heart I do not think God would ever do it for me. Why? Why the insecurity?

I think the answer lies somewhere in my conversation with Shawn. Shawn said he wanted to overcome insecurity so that he could love more, so that he could more readily lay down his life for those around him. To that I responded with, the only way to love more is to be like Christ and the only way to be like Christ is to take a hard honest look inward and see yourself for who you really are, then look at Christ and see the difference in His perfection, and then allow Him to move and shape you that direction.

So I look inward, and I see these insecurities. I know they are nothing like Jesus, and so somehow, some way, I am going to surrender them to Him. Looking at Jesus I see the Son of God. And I, if only by faith at first, am going to begin to let go those false images, those insecurities and except the truth. That truth is God sees me as a son. And in so will never let me go, will never let me fall, will never let me starve.

My chest is already lighter, the air flows freely through my lungs… I have found His peace once again in the chaos.