Turn the Other Cheek

Matthew 5:38-41, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two.”

This is not a commentary on divorce, but it is an ex-wife that has brought this scripture into my training to be like Christ. It is no coincidence that my relationship to my son’s mother has been purposely confined to a written set of rules on behavior and responsibility. And yet as clearly as the document speaks she continuously acts in contempt of it and the judge who signed it. Time and time again she slaps me in the proverbial face. Weekly I am literally forced to go many miles beyond one or two.

Will no one put her in her place? Will I ever have victory? Do I get to have a win in my column?

I discussed my frustration with my friends among who were Jim, Aaron, and Jason. And what did I get back? Not a path to victory on paper, not a plan for a win, but instead I got the scripture above.

AAGH!!!!!!

That action does not force her into appreciating the compromise and sacrifice I make for our son. That action does not transfer control to me. Turning the other cheek, at least on the surface seems to be a path to more slapping, more inconvenience, more expense, and more frustration. But Jason advised that when I “turn the other cheek” then, (and only then) have I stripped her of her power over me. Her power to frustrate, her power to manipulate, and her power to bring turmoil into my life. He said something to the effect that when she is a ghost to me, nothing will matter but my time with our son.

If this were not enough heavenly conversation on the subject, I find myself convicted by the very T Austin-Sparks quote I sent to Jim. There is no distinction between living life and spirituality. All of life is about being conformed to the image of Christ. And on this TAS wrote.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. (Ephesians 1:3 NLT)

“Some people seem to think that spirituality is a kind of mystical or mythical ‘something’ – that spirituality is something remote from reality, a kind of ethereal frame of mind.  Well, spirituality is certainly not a frame of mind in the first place.  We speak of a calm and heavenly frame... and there may be something of this kind as a fruit of it... but spirituality is not a nebulous, mythical, or abstract thing at all.  Spirituality is the most practical thing. (Even turning the other cheek to an ex-wife, or driving extra miles to get a son you love.)

When men or women are called by God into some piece of Divine ministry and, in the face of the demand, are conscious to the last degree that they have no ability, no resource, no power to fulfill that ministry, that in themselves the thing is utterly and overwhelmingly impossible, (and frustrating) that for them to essay to do it would be the utmost folly and absurdity – when in such circumstances they recognize that they have a living Christ in whom are resources more than enough to meet that demand... and by faith lay hold of Him and go forward into the ministry (living as Christ) with that consciousness... that is spirituality; and that is practical, tremendously practical.  The issues prove that it is practical.  It is in that way heavenly things are done.”

By T. Austin-Sparks from: Boundless Heavenly Resources

Here’s to making spirituality practical. 

The Disease Called Divorce

Matthew 19:10, “The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”

Two types of hurting people find their ways into my life constantly. One is the minister burned by the institution called church. The other is the husband waking up to find himself left by his wife. Even deeper than the broken relationship, the wife filing for divorce, the most unfortunate of common circumstances is that each of the men was victim of a wife finding comfort in the arms of another man.

Most recently a friend of mine had a wife after decades of marriage come home and say, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Or perhaps it was, “this isn’t working.” Or maybe it was, “I need something more in my life.” I can’t remember because I have heard so many versions of the same story.

For this friend, he is still hurting more than a year after the destruction of his family. The divorce is final. And yet in many ways he still wants “his family back” in spite of her cohabitation with her lover. The pain of another man spending more time with his children than him is agonizing. His ego is not bruised; it has had a nuclear bomb set off within. His business has cratered as depression keeps him from his normal sales calls. And even when he is able to mustard up the energy to go into work, it is quickly extinguished with the thoughts of what could have been, what should have been, and the fear of what will be. The disease of divorce has fully infected him. The symptoms of this disease are depression, sleeplessness, tears, and feelings of unworthiness, feelings of failure, weight loss, and so many more. He feels very deeply that he has not only failed himself, but failed his children miserably. Like Saul asking for David to play for him, he searches for something to quite the demons released in his mind and soul.

And so we talk. What do I say? Sure I have been in the very exact spot, but there is nothing I can do to stop the madness. And so my only words of comfort are “this too shall pass.”

He says, “I can’t remember anything anymore. I read scriptures trying to find the joy the devil has stolen and can’t remember them moments later.”

“Of course,” I reply. “Remembering scripture is not your answer, relationship with Christ is.”

The pain coming through in his voice he retorts, “I try, but God seems a million miles away.”

“Exactly,” I say. “You have to reach the very end of yourself. You have to exhaust all your plans. All your thoughts have to lead nowhere… then Christ will show Himself like you have never seen Him. It’s called surrender.” The Obama administration has said, “never waste a good crisis.” And God never wastes a good crisis. We all will come to the place of utter despair so that Christ can finally be all in us.

I tell him, just as I have told all those before him, and just as I have told myself a thousand times, “God causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him. This too shall pass. And be prepared, because the rescue is going to come at the last possible moment when all hope in you is lost. That’s just the way He rolls. But it is coming.”

I don't tell him of the love his predecessors have found in the aftermath of total relationship destruction, nor do I tell him of the love I have found. That is for after surrender... that is for after Christ shows up in him in a new and impossible way. 

It's Your Fault

John 16:33. "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

I was allowed the opportunity to spend some time with a man, that for this post we will call David. David is days away from being on the front lies of his world war II... a second divorce.

At first he shows the attitude of no big deal, this is something for the better, but I refuse to buy into that lie. Forget theology for a moment, it is never better for a child to have his two loving parents split. It is never better for a child to be forced to divide his time and attention between people he/she loves equally. And so, with this thought the conversation moved deeper.

I listened a lot, and what I discovered was that according to David it is all his wife's fault. It is her fault for being jealous of David and his ex being so amicable in the dealings with the child of his first marriage. It is her fault for being too close to her parents. It is her fault for not raising her daughter from a previous marriage in accordance with David's demands and discipline prescribed to their child together. All difficulties any blended family could experience. But complete fallacy that his wife's thoughts, feelings, and attitudes are the cause of the legal proceedings.

He went into great detail, and being in a blended family myself I was able to offer some very alternative reactions to the issues. In the end, I had to remind him that God can work all things together for good. I could have gone a lot of different directions with this opportunity. I could have condemned, quoted scripture, advised, tried to fix... but that was not where Christ was in me.

For me to be Christ was to offer an alternative to the emotional physics of every action has an opposite and equal reaction. This does not have to be the law of the relationship. In fact, the conversation ended with this statement from me. I said, It takes a very big man to allow his wife to be who she is, to have her emotions, feelings, opinions, and pains while simultaneously allowing her to comment, correct, and complain about everything about you. To do this, to allow the hypocrisy to exists without argument is nearly impossible. But if you can get there, then your example will gradually change her, and she will eventually do the same for you.

I don't care what age you are, but you made it to where you were not because you have everything right. You made it there because God allowed it, because He stepped in time and time again. As you go forward it does not matter what direction you go, just so long as you go with God. If you are married, that path with God is not determined by what you think. There is not a wrong or right in terms of his way or her way. God's way is the path of peace. Choose peace, even if it means surrendering to the other side. If both sides love God, then both sides can guide to a good thing. All things work together for good for those who love Him. Go... but go together, and go in peace.

It is not their fault... it's your fault. Romans 12:18, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Or in this case... all women.

Hanging Out

Luke 19:5, "When Jesus came to the place, He looked up and said to him, 'Zaccheus, hurry and come down, for today I must stay at your house.'"

What an awesome day! In began with sadness sending my daughter and her boyfriend back to New York City. Sad that I could not have her in my possession, but at the same time I dropped her off confident she is in the middle of God's plan for her life. That this time of training, growing, sharing, will not last forever, and if God wills she will once again be close enough to visit face to face more often. Plus I understand there are people there in New York that need her friendship and love. I clearly see how God is using her as a light, a safe harbor in a very dark industry. More so, I see how God has given her an incredible partner in the New York project. It makes her Dad's heart glad.

But to see this clearly was not all God had in-store. He treated my wife to a much deserved gift. And while on the way to the mall to pick something else up, some extreme randomness in the parking lot led us to running into a friend of ours. We were all in fact headed to the same store. Afterwards we had a seat in the mall and just talked.

This friend is one of the typical wounded Christians I encounter. Wounded by a spouse, scorned after decades of marriage. The wounds are scaring over, but still fresh enough for the friend to look in the mirror everyday and be reminded of how evil the opposite sex can be. There is an undertone of confusion, perhaps distane even for God in this destruction of hope and life. All of which is manifesting in pure self will in relationships. Bouncing from one to another, no commitment, no consideration of God, only a fear of being hurt again, and a longing for time to rewind to better days. All of which allowed me to practice what I preach in the presence of my wife.

It was awesome to just jump in the mud with our friend. To listen without advice or question. To see a person in a place I have been, but for Jamie and I to be united as a light. An example of what God intends in a marriage. A light of hope after divorce. We did nothing, but be friends. We just were. We were our ourselves and that is where the love of God was. A proverbial shoulder to cry on, while not wavering from the truth and beauty of a godly relationship and marriage.

There may have been no noticeable impact on our friend. But one thing I am certain of. We were Christ as in that hour. It was Jesus that sat there and lived through us. And always it was Jesus looking at us saying, "will you love Me?"