The Disease Called Divorce

Matthew 19:10, “The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”

Two types of hurting people find their ways into my life constantly. One is the minister burned by the institution called church. The other is the husband waking up to find himself left by his wife. Even deeper than the broken relationship, the wife filing for divorce, the most unfortunate of common circumstances is that each of the men was victim of a wife finding comfort in the arms of another man.

Most recently a friend of mine had a wife after decades of marriage come home and say, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Or perhaps it was, “this isn’t working.” Or maybe it was, “I need something more in my life.” I can’t remember because I have heard so many versions of the same story.

For this friend, he is still hurting more than a year after the destruction of his family. The divorce is final. And yet in many ways he still wants “his family back” in spite of her cohabitation with her lover. The pain of another man spending more time with his children than him is agonizing. His ego is not bruised; it has had a nuclear bomb set off within. His business has cratered as depression keeps him from his normal sales calls. And even when he is able to mustard up the energy to go into work, it is quickly extinguished with the thoughts of what could have been, what should have been, and the fear of what will be. The disease of divorce has fully infected him. The symptoms of this disease are depression, sleeplessness, tears, and feelings of unworthiness, feelings of failure, weight loss, and so many more. He feels very deeply that he has not only failed himself, but failed his children miserably. Like Saul asking for David to play for him, he searches for something to quite the demons released in his mind and soul.

And so we talk. What do I say? Sure I have been in the very exact spot, but there is nothing I can do to stop the madness. And so my only words of comfort are “this too shall pass.”

He says, “I can’t remember anything anymore. I read scriptures trying to find the joy the devil has stolen and can’t remember them moments later.”

“Of course,” I reply. “Remembering scripture is not your answer, relationship with Christ is.”

The pain coming through in his voice he retorts, “I try, but God seems a million miles away.”

“Exactly,” I say. “You have to reach the very end of yourself. You have to exhaust all your plans. All your thoughts have to lead nowhere… then Christ will show Himself like you have never seen Him. It’s called surrender.” The Obama administration has said, “never waste a good crisis.” And God never wastes a good crisis. We all will come to the place of utter despair so that Christ can finally be all in us.

I tell him, just as I have told all those before him, and just as I have told myself a thousand times, “God causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him. This too shall pass. And be prepared, because the rescue is going to come at the last possible moment when all hope in you is lost. That’s just the way He rolls. But it is coming.”

I don't tell him of the love his predecessors have found in the aftermath of total relationship destruction, nor do I tell him of the love I have found. That is for after surrender... that is for after Christ shows up in him in a new and impossible way.