Grief

Ecclesiastes 3:4, “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

It was about 16 years ago that a therapist by the name of Denise Colson first defined the symptoms or stages of grief for me. She said they are denial, negotiation, anger turned outward, anger turned inward (depression), and acceptance. At least this is how I remember them.

What led me to Denise was a divine exposure of a childhood trauma, namely sexual abuse by a neighbor before the age of 6. It was Denise that said I had lived my life up to that point stuck in grief… bouncing between all the stages except for the final stage of acceptance. Incredibly she led me to that place of acceptance and end to the ever present rage within me.

And so today, having lost my brother-in-law this week to an untimely death I have nothing to do but reflect on what I learned about grief so many years ago. For moments I think of grief's stages between the bouts of uncontrollable tears, wonderful memories of the past, and fears of the future. Even now I can’t believe our time together on earth only lasted 30 or his 51 years.

So yesterday when I heard he was unconscious and paramedics were working on him denial was my friend. Surely Ed was indestructible. Prayers were offered trusting in God’s miracle plan, only to have those prayers turn to negotiation. Please God I begged for his life to be spared. What did God want from me to answer this request? What could I offer in return?

And with the pronouncement of his passing I have been stuck in anger. Anger he didn’t take better care of himself? Anger at his choices. Anger even at God. When not angry at Ed or God I find myself with the anger turned inward… a.k.a. depression. What could I have done to change the outcome? How can I replace Ed in even the slightest of ways to his children? So mad at myself for not being more capable.

In the end I trust God that He will lead me to the place of acceptance, and do so quickly. Accept that Ed’s children have a better Father found in heaven who loves them and will never forsake them. Accept that God has a plan to use this to show is love to all Ed’s family.

Not there yet as right now is a time to weep, and to mourn. But tomorrow is a new day.

Love Somebody

Romans 12:15-16 , "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation."

Time and time again the Bible reminds us there is nothing to fix. We simply are to "be" with one another. Rejoicing with the happy and weeping with the sad. Add to that the humility to know that we are not more wise than God, so by inference obedience to His inspiration is the true wisdom.

Lilly was a great example yesterday of obedience on so many levels. It was not my task to solve her problem. But it was my godly task to do what I could and bring some dignity to her disparage. But there are so many more people who need what we have, and that need is not for anything financial.

In fact, in my experience, money is the last thing they need. The grieving widow or widower often needs me to reflect Christ in the form of a companion willing to jump into their grief and be with them in it. The rape victim needs from me my limited empathy. and to be reassured often that it was not their fault. They need me to encourage forgiveness. The physically abused sometimes need nothing more than a hug, and to know that real love is out there. The homosexual needs love without condemnation, and to know I can love them without accepting or loving the sin. The sick need prayer. The lonely need someone to talk to. The prisoner needs a visit.

We have what someone needs. And what we have is to simply be a reflection of Christ in the moment.

In my visit to Austin my friend's wife said, "Can you imagine what would happen if those with extra just gave to one person in need?" To that I replied, Can you imagine if 10% of those with extra would give to one person in need? There would be no needs.

Once again, I will remind you of Jim Spivey's words, "“God's Love is self-revealing (you won't have to ‘look for’ Him, He will just ‘show up’) and self-animating (you won't have to ‘wonder what to do,’ it will be self-evident), after you complete your self-crucifying (having fully accepted the death of all of your fear-based illusions).”

You do not have to "look" for opportunities to love as a reflection of Christ. But you do have to obey by doing something when that opportunity "self-reveals."

Go out and love somebody today!