Grief

Ecclesiastes 3:4, “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

It was about 16 years ago that a therapist by the name of Denise Colson first defined the symptoms or stages of grief for me. She said they are denial, negotiation, anger turned outward, anger turned inward (depression), and acceptance. At least this is how I remember them.

What led me to Denise was a divine exposure of a childhood trauma, namely sexual abuse by a neighbor before the age of 6. It was Denise that said I had lived my life up to that point stuck in grief… bouncing between all the stages except for the final stage of acceptance. Incredibly she led me to that place of acceptance and end to the ever present rage within me.

And so today, having lost my brother-in-law this week to an untimely death I have nothing to do but reflect on what I learned about grief so many years ago. For moments I think of grief's stages between the bouts of uncontrollable tears, wonderful memories of the past, and fears of the future. Even now I can’t believe our time together on earth only lasted 30 or his 51 years.

So yesterday when I heard he was unconscious and paramedics were working on him denial was my friend. Surely Ed was indestructible. Prayers were offered trusting in God’s miracle plan, only to have those prayers turn to negotiation. Please God I begged for his life to be spared. What did God want from me to answer this request? What could I offer in return?

And with the pronouncement of his passing I have been stuck in anger. Anger he didn’t take better care of himself? Anger at his choices. Anger even at God. When not angry at Ed or God I find myself with the anger turned inward… a.k.a. depression. What could I have done to change the outcome? How can I replace Ed in even the slightest of ways to his children? So mad at myself for not being more capable.

In the end I trust God that He will lead me to the place of acceptance, and do so quickly. Accept that Ed’s children have a better Father found in heaven who loves them and will never forsake them. Accept that God has a plan to use this to show is love to all Ed’s family.

Not there yet as right now is a time to weep, and to mourn. But tomorrow is a new day.