The Widower

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

Psalms 51:8-10, "Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins and blot our all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

I just love the community of people that is Tomball Love Machine. It is a dynamic group with some comings and goings, but in general it is a space rich in healing love, and bounding in learning experience. Today, like last week, the star of the show, the person with the preeminent need of seeing Christ's love was Tim.

If you don't recall Tim's story, just click his name and the link will take you to it. For this post all that is important is that Tim is a widower on his 6th week of separation from his soul mate. The pain for him is crippling, and the tears are endless.

In the group there is all manner of perspective and genuine love tossed his way. It is all there with some intent to comfort. and to help him come to grips with. and embrace the pain, and to embrace the work the pain is doing in him. There is empathy as he shared his heart. There is encouragement that there is another side to the grief. There is sorrow, and "sorry" for not being able to snatch him out to a better place. But today there was also a compatriot. A man, who like Tim lost his wife to cancer. He had the most interesting, freeing, loving, perspective on the situation that I want to share with all widows and widowers. Actually, I want to share it with the world because it is a living example of agape love.

Mark is Tim's compatriot, and Mark said to Tim, "God blessed your wife with a man who could walk her through her own death. You have experienced what Mary did at the foot of the cross." Wow, what a perspective. Tim is blessed to have discovered God in a very personal way out of this tragedy... but to realize that his wife was blessed to have him?

Mark explained that in his situation it was his wife's destiny to die at 49 from ovarian cancer. And it was his destiny to be with her through it. The entire event/tragedy was a destiny with love. If Mark could have it to do over again, if he knew the destiny, he would do it again. Tim shares this feeling. If a check could be written to bring them back it would. But at the same time that check would be written from selfishness. Bringing them back represents stopping the pain. However, To be able to say, I will be that blessing again... even if I know the outcome... even if I had to watch them die again... that is love. That my friends is perspective from inside the kingdom of God.

Do you see how close to Christ they have come? To be willing to endure something again, because they love someone so much.

Tim cries at the thought that his wife's death contributed to his discovery of a surrendered life. He wonders if the loss could have been avoided and surrender achieved otherwise. What we see is that his ability to surrender his life was why God but him with her to begin with. He knew the great love that would come out of it. And the pain to follow is purifying to the heart.

Meet Tim

Matthew 16:24, "The Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.'"

I met Tim today at Tomball Love Machine. For those who don't know, Tomball Love Machine is a co-ed group that gets together once a week in Tomball. Together we are a "safe place" for one another to express, question, learn, teach, and experience life in God. It's not a support group, though very supportive. It's not a recovery group, those certainly people have recovered as a result. It is really just what church probably was intended to be. A place of love and acceptance. A place you are welcome to come to with me.

So back to Tim... Tim retired a year and a half ago after a successful career in the art industry. Him and his wife had grand plans to enjoy their twilight years traveling. That was of course until his wife was diagnosed with cancer. Five weeks ago she passed away, one week short of their 37th wedding anniversary.

It was his wife's passing, and the crisis it created, that led Tim to a place of self described "surrender." Here is a man that depended on his wife for a whole lot more than companionship. She was the technology expert, fluent in navigating the computer. She took care of much more than cooking and cleaning, but the check book as well. Imagine waking up at sixty something having not used a washing machine in decades, or having not looked at an online bank statement...ever. The whole prospect of surviving can appear daunting. Just all salt in the wounds of loosing a lifelong companion, partner, and friend.

Tim has some anger. He has quite a few fears. But what is incredibly beautiful is the completeness of his surrender to God. He described it like this.

Imagine spending your whole life working to make money and being very successful at it. Only to wake up one day to realize all the work, all the money in the world cannot save his wife. Equally, to continue to on for the purpose of making money is futility, because more money is, once again, not going to bring his wife back. This confrontation of his life, his purpose, his being, and his well being led him to conclude there is nothing but God. This is surrender. The place where you realize there is NOTHING but God and His will.

In five weeks everyone that surrounds him, including his children have witnessed the transformation of surrender. His purpose is now to obey God today. He has seen the futility of plans, and received the joy of obeying daily. It is an absolutely spectacular thing to here and see. For me it is encouragement to continue on the journey God has me on. It is comforting to not be alone in the challenge of surrender.

Tim misses his wife. He still hurts tremendously. But the crisis precipitated a transformation. One in which he sees God clearer than ever before, and experiences His love in ways unimaginable. Leading to his greatest fear of all... that comfort and complacency might lead him back to the person he once was.