Psalms 23:4, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Yesterday for my Dad was very much a walking THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death. The day started as normal as can be less that 24 hours behind triple bypass surgery, but at 11:30am he began to show "signs of a stroke." And even though this is always a possibility in major surgery, it was not within anyone's realm of expectations.
Frankly, it was the saddest, most painful, fear inducing thing I have ever seen. To hear my Dad speak as if his whole mouth were numb, to see his arms fail as he tried to wipe is mouth was overwhelming. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry. Add to that - what is understandable coming from my Dad's mouth is complete awareness of his condition at that time, and his own expression of the fear. Feeding the fears were my ever present thoughts of what if....
Several times I tried to encourage myself to find Jesus in the events. To practice His presence as I have said in so many of the recent blogs, and all I could see of Him was a Christ sleeping on the boat in the middle of a storm. Not that He did not, or does not, care for my Dad; but that He was unconcerned because He knew it would be alright. And yet what I would see with each visit did not testify everything was alright.
I even tried to encourage myself with my blog. Over and over I reminded myself that "by not knowing, not hoping to know,a nd not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength" namely Jesus Christ.
I found out first hand in this valley of the shadow of death that it is one thing to know He is with me in it, and a completely other thing to trust He is bringing me through.
And through He did. Somewhere between the 5:00pm visit, and the 8:00pm visit God had proven once again that He was right. That resting in the storm was the correct course of action. By 8:00pm the tremors in the arms had dissipated nearly completely. Dexterity had returned to my Dad's hands and his speech was nearly back, but certainly it's complete coherence had returned.
Reports are he had a good night, and I can not wait to see what God has done in the past 10 hours. Thank you to everyone for you prayers, your concern, your visits, your support. Our family has some of the best friends in the world. I am blown away.
Romans 8:15, "For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'"
The past few days with my Dad in the hospital for heart bypass surgery have been both draining and full of a host of emotions. All the while filled with the opportunity to practice His presence, and to live in the Now.
It has been a time to rest in the fear of loosing him. There was no fear of what would I do without my Dad. There were no thoughts of what about this, or what about that? On the contrary God allowed me to live in the moment. To understand that waiting was what He wanted me to do. He allowed me to be afraid without negotiation. Without having to suppress it, or control the fear, or run from it. It was a beautiful lesson for me that I could be fearful, and it was OK. No need to react, or act... just patiently practice the presence of God, and trust Him.
In talking to my Dad last night I think he had a similar experience. He was giving God praise all the while realizing that the fear was not faith. And even though fear was not faith, it did not stop God.
If done properly the other side of fear has absolutely nothing to do with the ultimate outcome. The other side of fear is a giving over of you whole heart to God and trusting Him regardless. The other side of fear is letting go of our control, our desires, our timeline. The other side of fear is living in the moment, in the now without concern for tomorrow, or even the next hour.
My friend Jim sent this out this morning on his blog. It is from Pema Chodron and a book called "The Places that Scare You." How appropriate. For Pema that place of fear is what he calls the "in-between state." Meditate on this.
"It takes quite a bit of training to equate complete letting go with comfort and peace. But in fact, as you may have noticed, “nothing to hold on to” is the root of happiness. There’s a sense of freedom when we accept that we’re not really in control of anything. Pointing ourselves toward what we would most like to avoid makes our barriers and shields permeable.
This may lead to a don’t-know-what-to-do-now kind of feeling, a sense of being totally caught in-between. On the one hand, we’re completely fed up with seeking comfort from what we can eat, drink, smoke, watch, or couple with. We’re also fed up with beliefs, ideas, and “isms”? of all kinds. But on the other hand, we sure wish it were true that outer comfort could bring lasting happiness.
This “in-between state” is where the warrior spends a lot of time growing up. We’d give anything to have the comfort we used to get from eating a pizza or watching a video. However, even though those things can be pleasurable, we’ve seen that eating a pizza or watching a video is a feeble match for our suffering. We notice this especially when things are totally falling apart. If we’ve just learned that we have cancer, eating a pizza doesn’t do much to cheer us up. If someone we love has just died or walked out, the outer places we go for comfort feel feeble and ephemeral.
We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren’t told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.
Anxiety, heartbreak, humiliation, and great tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength (and its True Source - Christ Jesus).
Yet it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable that acting it out or repressing it. Staying with this open-ended tender place is what ultimately heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It’s how the warrior learns to love....
...Dwelling in the in-between state requires learning to contain the paradox of something’s being both right and wrong, of someone’s being strong, thoughtful, and loving and also angry, uptight, and stingy. In that painful moment when we don’t live up to our own standards, do we condemn ourselves or truly appreciate the paradox of being human? Can we forgive ourselves and stay in touch with our good and tender heart? When someone pushes our buttons, do we set out to make the person wrong? Or do we repress our reaction with “I’m supposed to be loving. How could I hold this negative thought?” Our practice is to stay with the uneasiness and not solidify into a view. We can meditate, pray, or simply look at the open sky—anything that encourages us to stay on the brink and not solidify into a fixed and rigid view.
When we find ourselves in a place of discomfort and fear, when we’re in a dispute, when the doctor says we need tests to see what’s wrong, we’ll find that we want to blame, to take sides, to stand our ground. We feel we must have some resolution. We want to hold our familiar view. For the warrior, “right” is as extreme (and ridiculous) a view as “wrong”. They both block our innate wisdom. When we stand at the crossroads not knowing which way to go, we are grown. The crossroads is an important place in the training of a warrior. It’s where our solid views begin to dissolve in the silent presence of eternal Truth.
Holding the paradox is not something any of us will suddenly be able to do. That’s why we’re encouraged to spend our whole lives training with uncertainty, ambiguity, insecurity. To stay in the middle prepares us to meet the unknown without fear; it prepares us to face both our life and our death. The in-between state—where moment by moment the warrior finds himself learning to let go—is the perfect training ground. It really doesn’t matter if we feel depressed about that or inspired. There is absolutely no way to do this just right. That’s why compassion along with courage are vital: they give us the resources to be genuine about where we are, but at the same time to know that we are always in transition, that the only time is now, and that the future is completely unpredictable and open. As we continue to train, we evolve beyond the little me who continually seeks zones of comfort. We gradually discover that we are big enough to hold something that is neither lie nor truth, neither pure nor impure, neither bad nor good. But first we have to appreciate the richness of the groundless state and hang in there (in the seemingly never-ending free-fall).
It’s important to hear about this in-between state and come to grips with it. Otherwise we think the warrior’s journey is one way or the other; either we’re all caught up or we’re free. The fact is that we spend a long time in the middle. This juicy spot is a fruitful place to be. Resting here completely—steadfastly experiencing the clarity of the present moment—is called true enlightenment. "
IF THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO YOU THEN READ IT AGAIN. IF IS STILL DOES NOT MAKE SENSE THEN CALL ME.
Psalms 19:9, "The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether."
I have known for a very long time that the fear of the Lord is to detest evil as proverbs says, but I learned a completely new expression of it in the past 4 days. You see my dad is in the hospital waiting on triple, possible quadruple bypass surgery. He is a young 68, healthy, energetic, loving, godly man. So to see Him is such dire need is puzzling both from a physical and spiritual perspective. Yet again God uses the experience to show me something new.
I have learned that it is very easy to walk around in ignorant bliss. Truly the saying that what you don't know won't hurt you is incredibly true. Unless that what you don't know is three arteries with 90% blockage. And so on Wednesday everything is wonderful. On Thursday a little indigestion leads to the hospital and the discovery of a life threatening condition. Friday, thinking it was nothing proved to be not nothing, but something that will require the most significant of human efforts to correct. And here comes the fear. Ignorance is still in charge, but knowing I am ignorant is where the fear comes in.
It is blissful to not know. It is fearful to know there is a problem and to have no certainty in knowing the solution. It is fearful to know that someone's life, even my life, is truly in the palm of God's hand. It is fearful to know He can, AND WILL make a decision regarding that life, but we don't know for certain what it is. This to me is the fear of the Lord. To know that we deserve nothing, and that we rely on grace for Him to show mercy. We rely on grace for Him to grant life. For me the fear of the Lord is knowing I am powerless, and yet in need of power. It is knowing I don't have the answer, but not knowing which answer the Maker will choose in His solution. The fear of the Lord is the perfect place of 100% dependence upon Him, and it is made obvious by such a dramatic life event.
In my Dad's case I am quite certain that he will not die. Not because I trust a surgeon, but I am certain he will not die because Jesus tells me it is so in my spirit. And yet, even knowing the Lord's voice, even knowing what I hear is true... my Dad's condition strikes me with fear. Fear of loosing my best friend, my dad, my companion, my greatest fan, and someone I love... so much. I know God has all rights to him. But I am so thankful for this fear. I am so thankful that in this fear of the Lord I can also find the peace, and His love. That in this fear He speaks to me that all is well. The fear is clean... it is not a fear of death, or judgment... it is more a healthy dose of perspective into Who God is and into what He is capable of.
Matthew 16:24, "The Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.'"
I met Tim today at Tomball Love Machine. For those who don't know, Tomball Love Machine is a co-ed group that gets together once a week in Tomball. Together we are a "safe place" for one another to express, question, learn, teach, and experience life in God. It's not a support group, though very supportive. It's not a recovery group, those certainly people have recovered as a result. It is really just what church probably was intended to be. A place of love and acceptance. A place you are welcome to come to with me.
So back to Tim... Tim retired a year and a half ago after a successful career in the art industry. Him and his wife had grand plans to enjoy their twilight years traveling. That was of course until his wife was diagnosed with cancer. Five weeks ago she passed away, one week short of their 37th wedding anniversary.
It was his wife's passing, and the crisis it created, that led Tim to a place of self described "surrender." Here is a man that depended on his wife for a whole lot more than companionship. She was the technology expert, fluent in navigating the computer. She took care of much more than cooking and cleaning, but the check book as well. Imagine waking up at sixty something having not used a washing machine in decades, or having not looked at an online bank statement...ever. The whole prospect of surviving can appear daunting. Just all salt in the wounds of loosing a lifelong companion, partner, and friend.
Tim has some anger. He has quite a few fears. But what is incredibly beautiful is the completeness of his surrender to God. He described it like this.
Imagine spending your whole life working to make money and being very successful at it. Only to wake up one day to realize all the work, all the money in the world cannot save his wife. Equally, to continue to on for the purpose of making money is futility, because more money is, once again, not going to bring his wife back. This confrontation of his life, his purpose, his being, and his well being led him to conclude there is nothing but God. This is surrender. The place where you realize there is NOTHING but God and His will.
In five weeks everyone that surrounds him, including his children have witnessed the transformation of surrender. His purpose is now to obey God today. He has seen the futility of plans, and received the joy of obeying daily. It is an absolutely spectacular thing to here and see. For me it is encouragement to continue on the journey God has me on. It is comforting to not be alone in the challenge of surrender.
Tim misses his wife. He still hurts tremendously. But the crisis precipitated a transformation. One in which he sees God clearer than ever before, and experiences His love in ways unimaginable. Leading to his greatest fear of all... that comfort and complacency might lead him back to the person he once was.
2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."
Ever notice how when you buy a new vehicle that upon driving it off the lot you suddenly notice on the road thousands of the same vehicle. Here you were, thinking you were unique, now you realize once again that you are one of thousands. Or ladies, how about that perfect dress, only to show up at the party and see it on someone else. This is called situational awareness, and is a common phenomenon in humanity. The links, the commonality, were there all along. It is just that our situation has made us aware to it.
That situation awareness has certainly been my experience as of late. I think the count is now up to 5 of the men and women chasing after God, but struggling with trusting God for finances. In fact, their situation are even more similar to mine. They not only share the immediate need, but as of late their income are projecting the wrong directions. Unlike the situational awareness of me now seeing every black F350 on the road since buying mine, I believe this is more of a God orchestrated event, so that we can share experiences and encourage one another.
One of those shared experiences is fear. We are all universally afraid of what tomorrow holds. The degree varies, but the fear is there none the less. In talking with one of these experience partners, I found out they were not only fearful, but also felt guilty for being afraid. They felt like it was somehow a lack of faith to have this fear. I personally do not believe that to be the case. So I encouraged them with the scripture above. It does not say, 'don't have fearful thoughts.' It does say bring those thoughts captive. In other words, don't make decisions based on them. I reminded them of Matthew 24 where Jesus asked to not go to the cross. To let the cup pass from Him. Why would he do that except for fear of it?
And perhaps the answer of how He faced and overcame the fear is found in 1 John 4:!8, "There is no fear in love; perfect love cast our fear... the one who fears is not perfected in love." So this situational awareness is really more a God orchestrated event to allow us to see the fear overcome with love for one another.
Amazing none the less. All of us in this experiment would love to be surrounded with people that have both the will and means to solve our financial need. For that matter, we would take the solution in any form, including but not limited to finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Instead God has chosen for us to dig in deeper together. God is saying, 'let me show you how to overcome that fear.' Loving Him, and each other conquers the fear. In the process increases our trust and faith in His abilities as we witness this wonderfully orchestrated concert of life.
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I have another house cleaning item. I spoke to a friend the other day who said, did you know there is a Jeff Yuna who wrote a book? That Jeff Yuna is me, and the book is available online for review and comment. http://www.authonomy.com/books/31980/god-speaks/
It is actually book 1 of what I consider a 3 part series. God Speak, God Heals (finished but not edited), and Growing in Christ (work in progress) are the 3 titles. God Speaks is edited and ready for publishing.
I asked them if they would be interested in partnering with me to publish it. They are praying about it. But I since someone has already stepped up for the hand soap, I thought I would put this out as well. It will take me about $2000.00 to self publish. That will include a professional cover and availability at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com. Long story, but if anyone is interested I will prayerfully consider all options.
For that matter if you just want to read a copy in PDF format, drop me an e-mail and I will send one over. jeffyuna@gmail.com
