Ashamed to Be Loved

Zephaniah 3:10-12, “From beyond the rivers of Ethiopia My worshipers, My dispersed ones, will bring My offerings. In that day you will feel no shame because of all your deeds by which you have rebelled against Me; for then I will remove from your midst your proud, exulting ones, and you will never be haughty on My holy mountain. But I will leave among you a humble and lowly people, and they will take refuge in the name of the Lord.”

I long for the day that I “feel no shame.” In my mind and in my spirit I know that that day should be today as “there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom 8:1) But still I feel to a degree that shame and condemnation. Today’s short comings, today’s failures do nothing more to solidify that shame and condemnation. Somehow it seems so difficult to own the freedom of forgiveness in Christ. And not just for me.

At Iwo Jima the other day my friend George was engaging in some almost self-destructive conversation. In many ways he was asking the group to disown him. When asked by Jim Spivey what the real truth was he said tearfully, “When I feel people loving me I feel shame.”

Complete and total empathy flooded me in that statement. Past relationship flashed in my mind and how they were born out of this shame of being loved. Enduring the unhealthiest of relationships was feed by a deep feeling of being unlovable. Perhaps that is the root of my mysterious attraction to and interactions with the unlovable. Somehow in seeing them as unlovable I identify with that in myself.  And that shame is not limited to people. That shame extends too often into my relationship with God. I love Him for sure, and I know that He loves me, but the shame of being loved in such an unlovable state limits the relationship. I limits what I will accept from Him in the form of love.

Paul, another Iwo Jima'r, commented to George’s confession that being unworthy of the love is what makes it love to begin with. And that certainly is true. Being unworthy sure is what makes God’s love unconditional at the least.

This is going to sound crazy but I am so thankful for the shame. I am thankful because until George articulated the feeling, for me it only existed subconsciously. But now I am conscious. Now the dross has been brought to the surface and it can be scraped from my relationship with God. I am unworthy of God’s love and that is precisely why He loves me. To know this, and to not act on it—to accept both the unworthiness and the love… this attitude is what will just leave me humble and lowly, taking refuge in the Lord. 

Blinded by Greed

Luke 12:15, “The He said to them, ‘Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed, for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.”

The context of what Jesus is speaking of here is that greed can cause us to lose sight that this life is not about possessions. In this instance one form of greed causes us to worry and not trust in God. (v.22-23) But there are many forms of greed that we have to be on guard against.

But why be “on guard” against greed? I think the answer is because Jesus knew that greed blinds us to the risk, and greed more often than not leads to loss and not gain. Greed causes us to not count the costs.

Greed leads to things like the stock tip that is too good to pass up. Greed has us invest in the "sure thing." Greed leads us to relationships that leave nothing but destruction in their path. Think about the many of examples where conmen prayed on someone’s greed only to rob them. Most notably Bernie Madoff who promised incredible return that were really nothing more than a Ponzi scheme.

If life is motivated by greed and about accumulating possessions, then there is the potential to loose or never gain site that life is about knowing and becoming more like Christ. Greed blinds to the fact that a few shekels could cost someone eternity. This is not to say we should go monastic and pledge our live to poverty, but it is to say we must constantly evaluate our motives. “The love of money” – greed is the root of all sorts of evil. And those evils bear consequences not just eternally but in the here and now.

If you want to avoid the blinder of greed ask yourself, what’s the down side? Everyone asks what can I gain? But how many ask what can I lose? What is the risk? If you are asking yourself about the down side, there is a pretty good indication the motivation is not greed. But if you are asking about the down side you should also be considering the eternal down side and not just the temporary down side. What can I loose is a very good question to take the blinders of greed off.

A Fair Wage

Romans 4:4, “Now to the one who works, his wage is not credited as a favor, but as what is due.”

So much can be taken from this sentence Paul wrote. For example, the wage is due the one who works. But for those of us who do work, what is a fair wage?

We are taught that it depends on the job, the skill involved, the education needed, or some other mental or physical asset the worker brings to the table. We are taught that the person investing the capital deserves a fair wage/return for their investment regardless of human effort involved. We learn that corporations will move operations half a world away to find someone who is willing to define their fair wage on the lowest of standards.

Some I think pull their definition of a “fair wage” out of the hat. Right now I could say with absolute certainty that many instinctively would consider $100,000 a year a fair wage. But where does that number come from? Did you know that many small business owners would take $1,000,000 for their business just because that seems to be some magic number?

Why aren’t we taught as a society what a fair wage is?

So here is what I think a fair wage is. A fair wage is the amount that a person needs to live, plus the taxes the government will take, plus the expenses the wage earner incurs to do the job, plus a profit that should be associated with the risk of the job. If the job could cost you your life, the profit should be enormous. If the job is a career without risks and a longevity beyond retirement then perhaps the profit should be less.

But why do I say this? I say this because I think we as a human race do not properly value our time and effort. I think the majority of us sell ourselves short. I for one have felt guilty for “making a profit.” And in this guilt deny God the opportunity to bless. This guilt that so many Christians share has us shun the very abundance God is trying to give us so that we can have it for good works.

Just today I read this in a friend’s online post. It said, “You pray. You ask God for something. He answers so big that now you question was this God.” He is having a hard time accepting the “profit” of the fair wage. To me it sounds like there is guilt in the blessing. But the guilt is a lie. It is an attempt either from Satan or from our own lack of self-worth to self destruct and not accept the blessings of God which are so much a part of His love in spite of our unworthiness. 

I want a spouse, and then God brings someone so wonderful you sabotage the relationship because you feel unworthy.

I need money, and then God brings an opportunity for profit and you sabotage the abundance because that would be ripping someone off, or because you are not worthy of that “wage.”

I am not a prosperity message proponent. But I do believe God is redefining for me what a fair wage is. And that fair wage has an abundance, it has a profit. No one would consider loaning money interest free. They expect it to grow. It is a finite resource and if it’s not put to work earning a wage it is wasted. And yet our finite life is given away so freely in an interest free loan to our employers. The wage is not a favor. The wage is what is due. Join me in valuing your time and energy working fairly. Consider beyond the immediate. I think it’s a God thing. 

Money... Money... Money

1 Timothy 6:10, “For the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil…”

Note that money is not the evil. The love of money is the potential for evil.

Having had the epiphany that the parables on money also teach us that God observes our ability to handle responsibility by observing our handling of money I decided to jot down some of my thoughts (and others) on money.

• All rich people have something in common. They all spend less than the make.
• Giving God 10% does not give you the right to blow the other 90%... that’s His too.
• Giving God 10% does not mean you automatically get another 100%
• Broke is the temporary absence of cash, poor is a lifestyle. (John Beeson)
• Denial is to live without a personal budget.
• The easiest way to get everything you want is to stop wanting.
• Proverbs 22:7 “… the borrower becomes a slave to the lender” is true.
• The only two things certain in life are death and taxes.
• People with emergency funds never seem to have emergencies.
• If you have to sell it or rent it to pay for it, don’t buy it.
• If you can’t pay cash for it, you don’t need it.
• God does not give us faith to borrow money.
• God does not promise Christians they will win the lottery.
• There’s nothing like a taste of poverty to correct some bad habits.
• Money and success don’t change people; they merely amplify what is already there. (Will Smith)
• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. (Dorothy Parker)
• If you don’t know how to manage money then don’t try. Let someone else do it for you.
• People want to be rich to have more fun, so if you are having fun you are rich. (Michael Morrow)
• I’ve been broke and I’ve been rich… rich is better.

How about you? What are your thoughts on money? Comment below.

    

In the Moment

Ecclesiastes 5:18, “Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting; to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in ALL one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of life which God has given him; for this is his reward.”

What audacity Solomon has to write about enjoying ALL you labor and toils. For me at least, I equate labor and toil with anything but enjoyment. On a good day toil might trigger a neutral feeling of necessity, but rarely is it enjoyable.

Take my yard for example. I live on 5 acres and for ten months out of the year I spend three hours a weekend maintaining it. For me the reward of having the space more than offset the three hours of misery in the heat every week. That was until this past weekend when something changed in me spiritually.

For me the yard was about how fast can I get this done? The object of yard word was to finish. Have the blessing of a lot of property yard work always seems to be a reminder of lack and not abundance. As I mow I see that this needs to be painted, that needs to be fixed. I wish I had money for an improvement… or shoot; most often wish I had money for a yard man. And so the labor of the yard not only toils on my body, but on my mind. This past weekend started just the same.

As I do yard work I have my headphones on listening to music from my iPhone, the majority of which is Christian music. As a worship song kicked off, only steps into my first task of edging the Holy Spirit said to me in my mind, “What are you in a hurry for? Slow down, enjoy what you are doing.”

To that point I never looked at it as something that could be enjoyed. Not only did I slow down, not only did I find enjoyment in it, but I did double what I would have normally done. As those deferred maintenance items came up I made notes on the same iPhone that playing my music. When I was done I categorized those items into needing money and not needing money. The ones that need money, I reminded God of in prayer. The ones that don’t… well I knocked out two of them after the yard work was done. And I will continue until they are all done.

The epiphany that I derived from this experience is this. I have to believe that everything is God’s anyway. So if God entrusted me with the property, He also entrusted me with its maintenance, and therefore I should enjoy all that entails as He did it for my good. Perhaps you never thought of doing yard work as doing the will of God, but last weekend for me I did. I found enjoyment that I had been entrusted with the responsibility. Sure it involved what seemed like gallons of sweat, and left my back aching for hours. But it was what I had to do right then and there. It was a moment to live in, and living in the moment, allowing it to be the purpose of the hour and not the obstacle of the day made it so very enjoyable.

Here’s to enjoying the toil under the sun, and enjoying the moment… whatever that moment brings. 

Validating the Truth

Numbers 11:23, “The Lord said to Moses, ‘Is the Lord’s power limited? Now you shall see whether My word will come true or not.”

I am beginning to see this pattern emerge in people’s spiritual lives where we all come to a point where the truth, or what we believe to be the truth, has to be validated. Or perhaps it may even be the case that some doctrine we believed to be true becomes invalidated by experience.

For me, I see the pattern the clearest in those I encounter who have or are involved in ministry. Whether on staff of a ministry or leading a ministry life has this crazy way of testing what we believe. Imagine the man of God truly seeking God, truly preparing his messages in prayer, truly wanting the best for his family and congregation, but life throws him a curveball. Perhaps it’s a child who has a drug addiction exposed. Perhaps it’s an unwed daughter’s pregnancy. Sometimes the curveball comes as a terminal illness or catastrophic financial mistake. Sometimes the curveball comes from those he loves in the form of gossip and slander and in fighting in the congregations. Whatever the case, whether in ministry or not, we can see that life can and will test our doctrine. It will test the truth and lies of religion.

My favorite Christian writer T. Austin Sparks said, “(inward revelation of the truth) comes by the way of great pain. You get a thing revealed to you as truth, perhaps something about the Cross of Christ, or victory over Satan, and you think you know it, and you say, "This is beautiful!" And you begin to talk about it, and it is not very long before something happens – your circumstances are touched. Now you go down with this truth, down into the vortex of awful agony, right down to the gates of hell, your being is upheaved right from the very bottom, and all the time there is the question – "Will that truth hold good?" Is it going to work? And when you have got down as far as you can go, the flesh elements and the self-elements have been dealt with, and you grimly hold on to the Lord in this matter of victory – then it comes out, you have tested it right to the very bottom of your being – that thing has become you, and then you can go to others in their grim conflict and their darkness, and say, "I know – I know this thing, and I know God is faithful, I know the victory." You have got a mighty emphasis on your knowledge, it is a thing about which you have no doubt, because you have gone down into the depths with it, and proved it down there, and by the very pain the thing has been proved.”

The religious often freak out when they encounter someone questioning their faith. They can’t stomach someone exploring alternatives. But reality is we all have to have the validation of the truth. It is in this validation that the relationship to God is formed. It is painful because to validate God’s truth happens at the very end of ourselves, where all human efforts are exhausted, where only God can act… here we discover God’s truth. My pastor quoted someone a few weeks back. He said, “We never know God is all we need, until God is all we have.”

I am learning to find great comfort in the encounters with former “Christians” seeking the truth. Time has proven that Christ always draws them to Himself. I see them return to what looks like the place they left, but with new perspective. A perspective of truth. They return to an irrevocable gift and call of God with kingdom perspective and not man’s perspective. They return having lived the truth.

More importantly they/we return understanding that it is not only ok, but necessary for others to take the journey to the truth. The agony, the upheaval, the rock bottom are all there for our good and by God’s love and design. Religion, doctrine, beliefs don’t save, God does. “Is His power limited?”

Best Way to Start Your Day

Matthew 7:11, “If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you heavenly Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

This morning I went and met with my Love/Life/Death Coach and dear friend Jim Spivey. We shared some fellowship with his friend Jason, had some wonderful conversation when Jim said something about a chiropractor and “we should go… but there’s not enough time.”

I stopped him and said we should go where?

“To Robert the chiropractor and get an adjustment, he’s just two miles up the road.” He replied.

I said, “That is a such a God thing.”

To which Jim immediately got up and said, “then we have time.”

Jim didn’t know it but for over a week I have been thinking and praying about how to get to a chiropractor that is reasonably priced and who doesn’t want to do a bunch of x-rays and stuff. Just a few weeks ago I was rear ended and last week I fell into a hole and my back and neck have been bothering my quite a bit. How incredible that God would put that thought into Jim’s spirit and that I would receive such a blessing this morning? Not only that, but the pain has been reflecting into my chest making me question whether I am having a heart attack like my brother-in-law. So not only did I have a conversation with one of my all-time conversationalists, but he allowed himself to be part of God giving me good things.

Interestingly enough, Robert identified all my ailments without a word from me. He in fact said, “you have a little issue at C3, probably causing congestion and snoring.” Wow… I hope the adjustment stopped the recently acquired snoring for my wife’s sake. That is still left to be seen. 

Point is this. God is out there loving us and giving us good daily. Sometimes He chooses to use a human hand or two to deliver it. So be receptive, be appreciative, and be available for Him to use you.

It all reminds me of a fanciful story I once heard. There was a Christian Evangelist who encountered a Buddhist monk. In this encounter the monk in deep meditation began to levitate. After this display the monk told the evangelists. Show me your God, and I will believe. The Evangelists was amiss. He had no idea what to do. Upon leaving the monk said, “Had you given me a glass of water I would have believed in your God, because I am thirsty.”

Again, notions come into our mind that seem random, nonsensical, or even inapplicable. Respond to these notions. It may very well be God through the Holy Spirit doing good and answering someone’s prayer.  

Faithful in the Little Things

Luke 16:9-14, “And I say to you, make friends for yourselves by means of wealth or unrighteousness, so that when it fails, they will receive you into eternal dwellings. He who is faithful in a very little thing is also faithful in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous in much. Therefore if you have not been faithful in the use of unrighteous wealth, who will entrust the true riches to you? And if you have not been faithful in the use of that which is another’s, who will give you that which is your own? No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate one and love the other, or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth?”

I watch a message from Joel Osteen this past Sunday, and like most of his messages it was about expanding vision so that God can give a bigger blessing. At some point he encouraged his congregation and the TV audience to not give up. That though times are rough now, God has a bigger and better plan. He inferred that the rough times are equated with a time of being faith in a very little so that God will allow you to be faithful in much.

Then as I was looking at my own personal budget this week, and I realized that for the first time in months I was actually going to have a small surplus. These two events orchestrated by God were the fodder for my prayers. What do I do with the surplus? What does it mean to be faithful in the very little? Hasn’t the past 7 + years been a period of faithful in the very little?

And it is true, the past 8 years really have been God saying, “be faithful in a very little thing.” If I am truthful I would say it took me seven years from God telling me to be faithful in the use of unrighteous wealth to come to the place that I actually live by a budget. That’s right, no personal budget for 46 of my 47 years; in spite of having a finance degree, in spite of having run multimillion dollar businesses; in spite of having prepared hundreds of budgets for those businesses... I operating my personal life without one.

Am I saying that being a Christian requires us to operate our finances under a budget?

I think I am.

Look at the parable Jesus tells us in Luke 16. Here a Master (God) discovers His money manager (Us) has “squandered” His wealth. Sensing his impending termination the manager quickly goes to the Master’s debtors and cuts their debts in half; counting on them taking him in after he’s fired. Now here is where it gets a bit confusing.

The Master praises the manager for doing this. Why would the Master praise the manager for stealing? Isn’t stealing a sin? It’s in v 9 that we begin to see in part the lesson. There Jesus says, “make friends for yourselves by means of the wealth of unrighteousness.”

Somehow, and for some reason God is watching us in our use of money. Irrespective of how the money is gained, we are rewarded based on its use here on earth. It all belongs to God whether we choose to admit that or not, but if we squander the supply we are given then He does see that. So His encouragement is not to avoid money, but rather be sure to use it frugally, because it’s not your own, and liberally when it makes friends, particularly eternal friends.

And so the parable condenses to this. God is watching your use of money. Not because He wants to make you rich in this lifetime, but because He wants to make you rich in the life to come. Here in this life we spiritually own nothing, in the life to come we “rule and reign with Christ.” In the life to come we are given something (what I do not know) that is based at least in part on our faithfulness with money, and not squandering it. Money usage as a responsibility is not to allow to become a God. It is not to be an obsession, but instead to recognize it is a representation of God’s future creation in heaven. Money represents in some way how we will handle our responsibility in heaven. Be faithful with a very little here, and God knows you will be faithful with much in heaven. Take what He has given us here on the earth and use it for His purpose, and He knows what responsibilities He can trust you with in heaven. 

For me the practicality of this lesson today is a small surplus. Do I put it in savings? Do I spend it on something I want sense I have been without for so long? So I give it away? Or do I pay something off? For me, I hear God saying pay off the bill. For you it may be something completely different. The point is I am not going to squander it, but rather use it for what the Master approves. Today God is going to find me faithful in a very little thing. 

What's the Point of Jesus

Roman’s 6:23, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I watched this YouTube video called “What’s the Point of Jesus,” the host says that Jesus “did not come to die, He came to love and share love.” Earlier Bart Campolo says sarcastically that “God wants to forgive you, but He can’t forgive you unless He kills somebody?”

Now I understand that people really want there to be another way to heaven other than through Jesus Christ. I understand compassion for mankind, and wanting to be reunited with everyone in the afterlife. But all our wanting to write the rules of eternity is not going to rewrite them. All of our definitions of love are going to fall short of God’s. So let me take the opportunity to share with you the point of Jesus.

It does begin with love, and the fact is that God is love. And this loving God created man in His image. That image being the ability to love. However, love requires something else. It requires a precursor, namely free will. You see, it is impossible to love unless it is done by choice. Love by any other mechanism is not love at all. Without free will praise is just music, adoration is merely words. And so having created man with free will so that he could love God, God had to give man something to choose from. He told man; do not choose the Tree of Knowledge. The world was good, and still men chose the one thing that was evil in the world.

As a result sin entered not only Adam & Eve, it entered mankind. And the wages of sin is death. If sin is committed, if the will of God is violated there must be the punishment death. It was God’s love that caused Him to offered the first sacrifice. God killed a lamb as a replacement to killing man. And the blood atoned for the sin.

For centuries man sinned and for centuries animal sacrifices were offered for that sin. Why is that so hard to understand? Why shouldn’t the sin have consequences? Why shouldn’t our choices that are contrary to God’s love offend Him?

And so throughout the times of the Old Testament sacrifices are offered. But they are not there simply for atonement. They were prophetic to what God had planned in the ultimate sacrifice. In fact all of the Old Testament was a prophetic announcement of what was to come. God sent His Son to the earth to be the final sacrifice. Not only to be a perfect sacrifice of blood atoning for past sin, but so perfect that it atones for future sin as well. No future death or sacrifice of the blood of bull or lamb can ever compare to the blood of the Son of God.

God did send His Son Jesus to the earth to be killed. Jesus said it in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” God sending Christ to die was the greatest act of love ever. Christ obeying God to the point of death was the second greatest act of love ever.

So to Bart Campolo who said, “Your God must really suck if He has to kill somebody… It just doesn’t make sense to me” I say, then you have no understanding of love.

“The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.” (1 Corinthians 15:56)

Christ as a man was subject to the law. As man He carried in His body the sentence of death that original sin placed on Him. As a sinless man death had no right to hold Him. To Death and to Satan they saw Christ death as a victory. They looked at Him as human. His descent into Hell however was short lived because being sinless Death had no power to hold Him, and God knowing Jesus as His Son raised Him from the dead, and provided a sacrifice of blood for all of time, for all who would believe. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”

Jesus came to die, and the Father sent Him here to be killed as the ultimate act of love so that you and I could experience “the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death.” He did not say to be free from sin, or to be free to sin... only free from the law, the final consequences of it.

The choice is yours… to believe or not. -- One must first recognize love in order to love in return. 

We Never Know What They Meant To Us Until They Are Gone

John 11:35, "Jesus wept."

I was in a brief conversation with my life coach Jim Spivey talking about how crazy it is that when my brother-in-law Ed Kruger was alive I didn’t think of him every day, but now that he is gone every thought is on him. His reply was something to the effect of “we never know what they meant to us until they are gone.”

So as Ed’s body is laid to rest I want to share what Ed should mean to us all.

I imagine that Ed upon reaching heaven and the overwhelming presence of Christ and the Father that he was first and foremost humbled that he made it. I imagine that the peace and love of the presence of God-- that being in God’s infinite wisdom left any concern that he had for his family and children instantly vanquished with the truly knowing God’s love and promise for them. I can almost see the smile on Ed’s face at the instant full understanding of the temporary nature of life as he compared to the backdrop of eternity.

I am very thankful that God allowed Ed to visit his daughter Sara in her dreams the night of his leaving the bounds of this planet. Sara dreamt that she woke up and went into her parent’s room. There was her mom and Ed. Sara in shock said, “Dad you are not supposed to be here.” To that Ed replied, “I am surprised I woke up here too… but you need to know I’m ok, and it is all good.”

In the past 4 days I have re-lived in my mind thousands of moments of fun, laughs, and genuine good times with Ed. I have been through the very first day I met him all the way to the last conversation we had. And the funny thing is, all those things I held against him, all the things I thought he did wrong… they are completely gone. All I remember… at least all I miss and think on are the good things. I don’t look back and see the few things I could criticize, but I look back and see things that are inspirational. An incredible father without deceit.  I remember his humor, his ability to convince anyone to do anything. I remember how personable he was, and his uncanny photographic memory of people’s names and faces.

But what I think everyone should take away from Ed’s early death is the fragility of life.  I think everyone should understand that salvation is not based on church attendance, memorization of scripture, or even good deeds. For me Ed will always be a reminder that we do not need to beat addictions to make heaven… perhaps only fight them. No, Ed is a reminder to us all that we only simply need to believe that Christ is the Son of God and that He came to save us from ourselves.

Two days before Ed passed on he had an encounter with God in a surf shop. Come to find out Bingo, the shop owner, told Kelley that when Ed walked in the door the Holy Spirit told him that he must talk to Ed. They ended up in the back of the shop in an area where Bingo has daily praise and worship. Not only did this man share with Ed his struggle against addiction, but he also led Ed to pray a tearful prayer where Ed rededicated his life to Christ.

Ed had reported back that Bingo’s wife and said he was a buoy lost at sea. Come to find out she actually said, Ed is a buoy set free.

Be free Ed… until we meet again in eternity.

Lastly, as the family was selecting music for the service, Ed’s 8 year old son Blair said, “I’m going with 'Get Jiggy With It,' that was Dad’s favorite song."  So to Ed… here you go. 

Grief

Ecclesiastes 3:4, “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

It was about 16 years ago that a therapist by the name of Denise Colson first defined the symptoms or stages of grief for me. She said they are denial, negotiation, anger turned outward, anger turned inward (depression), and acceptance. At least this is how I remember them.

What led me to Denise was a divine exposure of a childhood trauma, namely sexual abuse by a neighbor before the age of 6. It was Denise that said I had lived my life up to that point stuck in grief… bouncing between all the stages except for the final stage of acceptance. Incredibly she led me to that place of acceptance and end to the ever present rage within me.

And so today, having lost my brother-in-law this week to an untimely death I have nothing to do but reflect on what I learned about grief so many years ago. For moments I think of grief's stages between the bouts of uncontrollable tears, wonderful memories of the past, and fears of the future. Even now I can’t believe our time together on earth only lasted 30 or his 51 years.

So yesterday when I heard he was unconscious and paramedics were working on him denial was my friend. Surely Ed was indestructible. Prayers were offered trusting in God’s miracle plan, only to have those prayers turn to negotiation. Please God I begged for his life to be spared. What did God want from me to answer this request? What could I offer in return?

And with the pronouncement of his passing I have been stuck in anger. Anger he didn’t take better care of himself? Anger at his choices. Anger even at God. When not angry at Ed or God I find myself with the anger turned inward… a.k.a. depression. What could I have done to change the outcome? How can I replace Ed in even the slightest of ways to his children? So mad at myself for not being more capable.

In the end I trust God that He will lead me to the place of acceptance, and do so quickly. Accept that Ed’s children have a better Father found in heaven who loves them and will never forsake them. Accept that God has a plan to use this to show is love to all Ed’s family.

Not there yet as right now is a time to weep, and to mourn. But tomorrow is a new day.

Character – Ed Kruger Style

Psalms 116:15, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”

My last conversation with my Brother in law Ed Kruger was on Monday. I had called him to “fix” his life with a little advice. Little did I know he would provide for me a lesson on character.

You see “character” to me is that aspect deep within the soul that says who we are in the eyes of God. It is what He ultimately looks at. Character is that piece of us that God is constantly at work to transform into the image of Christ.

And so finding out that Ed could possibly be coming into a financial windfall from his accidental purchase of a rare surfboard I called him with a life plan. I told him that he should sell the surfboard and use the money as seed money to start buying and selling other things. He loves shopping for a deal at any pawn shop in his path, so I thought he could start going to storage auctions, in fact reference the show Storage Wars.

Ed’s reply shocked me, and as I reflect back it was a wonderful reminder of a Christ-like character deep within his soul.

Ed said, “I will have no part of taking someone’s life’s possessions for pennies just because they were so down on their luck they couldn’t pay a storage bill… and that show is all about people’s greed. I want no part of it.”

That’s character… Christ –like character in my book. 

The Surfboard - - A tribute to Ed Kruger

Ed's last picture 

2 Corinthians 13:4, "For indeed He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you." My brother in law Ed Kruger for years has struggled with a very ugly alcohol addiction. One that left him in very fragile health. Yet even though he feel off the wagon a thousand times, time and time again I saw him battling the demon, and on occasion winning a battle. Yet in spite of this epic struggle, in spite of a separate economic ruin, Ed Kruger was foremost of all a father so very worthy of admiration. Ed loved his children as much as any man I know. He was proud of his jay-hawk daughter Sara. He went to endless measures to support his now teen age son Blake in racing, athletics, and life. And his 8 year old son was his best bud, and shadow. They often were found at the beach together fishing, or Ed teaching him to surf on pawn shop purchased surfboard. Nothing extravagant, Ed bought it for a few hundred at most. Who knows why but for whatever reason Ed liked to visit pawn shops and capture the occasional deal. This past weekend was no different than any other weekend as Ed and Blake went to Galveston for a little surfing. On the way home Ed decided to stop into a surf shop. He did that kind of thing, always stopping at some random place. Not wanting the surf board to be stolen from the back of the truck he and his boy carried it into the shop. There they met the proprietor who according to Ed was a Christian man. Somehow the gentleman told Ed his story of winning the battle of addiction, and somewhere in the conversation he asked Ed if he knew what kind of surfboard he had. Ed had no idea, but the surf shop owner did. The surfboard was a very rare board. In fact may from a wood that is banned from competition. And apparently the board is worth perhaps tens of thousands of dollars. Later the man's wife came out and said that Ed looked like a buoy to her. "A buoy?" Ed asked. Apparently to this woman Ed looked like a man without direction. Almost lost a sea looking for something. When I heard this story on Sunday I first thought how awesome is God to reach out to Ed with His love like that. The admiration was quickly replaced with jealousy over the blessing. The jealousy was obliterated today with grief as my brother in law died from a heart attack this afternoon. The text arrived from my mom. It said, "pray." As I prayed, asking God to spare his life, begging God to spare his life the Holy Spirit said to me many times, "He lives." I cried so hard because I knew He was saying, "He lives with Me." It's not fare. It hurts like hell. Anger, sadness, fear, hurt flood my soul and the souls of his family. There are three children tonight hurting far more than me. But Ed Kruger lives... not because Ed overcame his weakness, but because Christ did. Tonight he lives... tonight and every night from here on with Christ. To Christ Ed is that very rare, priceless surfboard. And like the collector Christ has decided there will be no more surfing the world for Ed. Oh know Christ has brought him home to a place of honor. God bless you Ed. We love you, and are going to miss you.

Regrets - A Letter to Myself

“Phillipians 3:13-14, “… I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching for what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Three times in the past week I have come in contact with 3 different letters people have written to their self, so I thought I would give it a try.

Hey Jeff,

It’s me… yourself. Dude… how are you going to deal with all these regrets? Can’t you just chalk them up to experience and move on?

That sounds great to me, but how do I do that? I certainly can’t turn back time and change a thing.

(24 hours later… some tears… a replaying of all the regrets – of the decisions of the past that I suffer from today… choices 20 years ago affecting my health, wealth, and happiness.)

Why haven’t you looked at these regrets before from a different perspective? Why have you allowed decisions with education, career, family, finances, and personal health choices to continue in your mind as a cancer eating at the possibilities of today? Why do you accept the regrets just being there reminding you constantly that… if you would have… then you could have? Why have they never been address as the foreign bodies of thought that they are?

Self… today is a new day. You are not a collection of regrets. You are not doomed to repeat the past. Yesterday has nothing to do with living today. It is time to stop missing the Platinum Amex and start getting the most out of today. You have not wasted the opportunity. The opportunity is waiting for you today. And it is bigger, and better than any opportunity of the past.

So what if you have lost millions. If you made them once, you can make them again. But will you allow the mistakes of past to stay in the past? Will you allow the regrets to be the experience for tomorrow? Will you trust God today instead of thinking you missed your shot at His overwhelming blessings? And while your at it quit asking Him to restore it... it's gone... there's a new plan.

Self… do you know what these regrets are that you carry around in your brain every day? They are a cancer, eating away at the productivity and enjoyment, and joy of TODAY. You have the education, the family, social, and spiritual upbringing to be a success… not in someone else’s eyes, not just in God’s eyes, but in your own eyes. You want to leave for your children an inheritance? Time to get busy creating a new one for them, and stop regretting what is lost. You don't need a new career, a new job, a new home... you need to see that all of that is perfectly what you need for today.

The money is gone, the time is spent, but there is more money, there is more time, make the most of it. Stop punishing yourself. The punishment is over.

Why do you think Josh Turner’s song keeps playing over and over in your head? Time is love. Work hard, play hard, love hard, live hard, enjoy much, be filled with joy. Get your lazy butt off the couch and do something. Life is not about “if.” Life is about living and living is about loving. And loving does not take money.

Why do you think you constantly have dreams of flying? It’s time to fly! Like Josh says, “time to fly before one more moment gets by.” “’I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Time to go out and grab a hold of those plans, and let go of the regrets. If you are going to reach up, then you have to let go of what is holding you down.

You want to preach scripture to someone. Here’s one to preach to yourself. “Phillipians 3:13-14, “… I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching for what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Get to reaching upward boy!

Whinny Tittie Baby

1 Thessalonians 5:18, “in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I thought of calling this post Turn Back to Praise but I have used that already. So I am going to call it Whinny Tittie Baby because it is a much needed reminder to me to give thanks IN EVERYTHING. Plus it is a powerful line in Matt Redman’s Blessed Be You Name included below.

I guess that I could go into something “preachy” as my friend Paul says about “everything” being God’s will for you and me, but I think that in shameless surrender I would rather tell the story of what let up to this.

For the past few days I have been, let’s say… a little irritable. Certainly justifiable in the midst of getting off, then back on hormone replacement therapy, but even spiritually I have been irritable. My assessment of God and our relationship has been critical, unappreciative, short sighted, and ungrateful. My prayers continue to be answered with answers not exactly like I would like them. For me, I just want money. Then with the money I can make my life easier and do the things I want to do. Like knowing that I have enough to go to New York in December to see my daughter graduate, or enough to send my one in a million hunting dog off for a couple thousand dollars more in training in Nebraska. All the while losing sight that just one year ago I was unemployed. Losing sight that just a couple of months ago I nearly had to file personal bankruptcy. I’ve been a big whinny tittie baby, and more spoiled that my eight year old son.

I whined about not have $500 to build and stock a quail pen so I could have some birds to work my dog on. Even though just this past week a man, who has trained multiple field champions, who has a facility 20 minutes from my house, who has quail pens (with the quail), and who has extended an open invitation to train me to train my dog free of charge… to my dumb self this is not good enough because I don’t have to pay for it, because I can’t afford to send my dog to the BEST.

I whined about money for a host of other reasons even though God blessed me this month and covered every expense, and did it miraculously. And so with this fowl, selfish mood I went to my men’s group. But before I stopped in to see my friend John. John is 71 years old and a pretty hard man. I can’t say that there is no charity in him, but I can say that charity does not include parting with $1 of his money. And so we were catching up and I asked, “How has the economy affected your business?” He replied, “I’m not going to make $20 million this year like last, but I will make $4 or $5 million so I guess I’m not destitute.” 

I have to say a little jealousy stirred in me. Particularly since he does it with a staff of 4, and so it made me think.

You see John has a son my age and perhaps that is why he has been fatherly to me, and so I asked, “Why don’t you get your son in here and start mentoring him… teach him what you do.” His reply, “My children are worthless… they are spoiled, they know how to spend money, but none of them are interesting in working hard to make it.” 

I wanted to say adopt me, but I didn’t. Instead for the first time I had a kind of sorrow for my friend. Sure jealousy, envy about how naturally good he is at what he does, but I was kind of sad that when he is gone, his work will be gone too.

Staying less than 30 minutes I left to go straight to my men’s meeting. And it started off very well. One of the guys read a letter to himself, something I have seen a couple of times from different sources, and it convicted me that I probably couldn’t write a letter to myself without crying.  Beyond that I felt very disconnected from the group. In fact I felt as disconnected as I did the very first time I went there. I really didn’t want to hear about other people’s issues. I didn’t need to know that one of the church staff members in our group is in a place where he does not believe in God. That he is, “ok with the business of church and selling the drug of religion if God in fact turns out to be real.” And I certainly did not want to hear from Wilber. (Name changed to protect the innocent.)

Wilber is a strange bird suffering from some very real psychological issues created by one horrible life. Don’t get me wrong, the man is a certified genius. He can site studies and data and knows more about all the world’s religions than I know about Christianity. But every time he talks it is long, it is overly detailed, and it is sad. Wilber’s life truly has been a shit sandwich that every day he has to wake up and take another bite either in reality or in memory of the past. (no apologies to the religious for the profanity) But that is absolutely the best description I can come up with. It is said that he suffers from a super form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now get this… inflicted upon him from birth to age 17 by his parents. Yesterday was another new story of his childhood, and it included a confession that boiled my blood. Disconnected I thought what am I doing here? And what was I complaining about, my issues look like cake and ice cream compared to these people. 

I am miserably convicted by not being completely thankful for EVERYTHING. I am thankful that God answers my prayers, even though in the strangest of ways. I am thankful that I was raised in a good home, and don’t have to daily deal with the demons of having had demonic parents. I am thankful that like the minister, I too have come to the place where I have question God’s existence in the face of lifeless religion only to have Him prove to me over, and over, and over again that He is not only real, but inside me and beside me. Even more so I see He is in folks like Wilber too.

I am thankful for someone so far beyond a wife, that soul mate only touches on what she means to me. And to the lonely out there. To the young man of Iwo Jima who thinks he will NEVER find someone… God has some who is not perfect, but perfect for you.

I am thankful for my friends, for my family, for awesome children.

Father thank you for everything. Blessed be your name.