Bah Humbug

Philippians 1:21, “For me to live is Christ.”

I have had a really bad attitude for about the past 10 days. In that, I have had nothing pressing on me to write. Well, that is not true. Bah Humbug has been pressing on me, and my attempts to escape this post by ignoring it inside me has failed. After all, how can someone be inspired by my struggle with anger and complete distain from this tradition we call Christmas?

I have tried to blame the anger on not feeling well, and still having to address work, family, life. I have blamed the anger on memories of better times the idea of gift giving in mass conjures up. I blamed the anger and distain on the sea of humanity, swirling like a ball of sardines only to be picked off one by one by the predatorily fish posing as retail merchants. Even Christmas Eve service brought me disgust as the crowds of those who come only twice a year left our service with standing room only. How dare the world interfere with my preferred seating?

My anger has been visible to friends, family, and co-workers alike. It’s been a harsh tone, crumpled face, short replies. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I enjoy the time of family and fellowship? Why do I dwell on two broken marriages dispersing children amongst in-laws and ex-laws with the precision, coldness, and timing of a Shuttle launch? Why does this time of year make me think about my daughters living in different parts of the country, and how I may not get to spend time with my grandchildren like my parents have spent with theirs? It is madness. How crazy is it to let the thoughts ruin a day when those same daughters are not even married.

I was angry that there even was a budget for Christmas. Not that there was anything to buy, but just mad at the constraint. All of which caused to the dwell and blame the State of Texas for holding up my mortgage license. It caused me to blame Transunion for not updating my customer’s credit report so I could close a loan. The frustration inside me screams, just get out of the way. 

Christmas time… the holidays… is some internal trigger that I still don’t understand. And though the true cause eludes me, the effect is a complete disconnect from the awareness of Christ. The result is a prolonged period of not practicing His presence.

I think in the final self-analysis I would say that Christmas time, particularly lately, is a reminder of all that I have lost, given up, or been taken from me. It is a huge reminder that I am not in control. I have been distracted by life, and stopped living Christ. This is why the post has been so long coming, because I couldn’t see the forest from the trees. I couldn’t see that truth which is as Oswald Chambers stated, “There are areas of self-will in our lives where our pride pours contempt on the throne of God and says, “I won’t submit.” We deify our independence and self-will and call them by the wrong name. What God sees as stubborn weakness, we call strength. There are whole areas of our lives that have not yet been brought into submission, and this can only be done by this continuous conversion.”

Driving the point home was something T Austin Sparks wrote in reference to the scripture above. “After all, nine-tenths of all our troubles can be traced to the fact that we have other personal interests influencing us, governing us and controlling us - other aspects of life than Christ. If only it could be true that Christ had captured and captivated and mastered us, and become - yes, I will use the word - an obsession, a glorious obsession!

When it is like that, we are filled with joy. There are no regrets at having to "give up" things. We are filled with joy, filled with victory. There is no spirit of defeatism at all. It is the joy of a great triumph. It is the triumph of Christ over the life. Yes, it has been, and because it has been, it can be again. But this needs something more than just a kind of mental appraisement. We can so easily miss the point. We may admire the words, the ideas; we may fall to it as a beautiful presentation; but, oh, we need the captivating to wipe out our selves - our reputations, everything that is associated with us and our own glory - that the One who captivates may be the only One in view, the only One with a reputation, and we at His feet. This is the gospel, the good news - that when Christ really captivates, the kind of thing that is in this letter happens, it really happens.”

The bad attitude is passing with the Christmas Holiday. The presence of Christ is still there, and in a moment of silence, after a deep breath, turning into the Spirit within me I become fully aware He is there, and that He loves me. Perhaps in another twelve months the feelings will be the joy the holidays should have been this year. We shall have to wait and see.