On June 1, 2011 in the post Need Cash I made a commitment to militantly struggle to experience and understand God has my provider as well as provision. I also made a commitment to keep everyone up to date on how this lesson and experience was going.
It has only been 2 weeks, but the struggle to maintain faith in God as the Provider is at best a schizophrenic experience. Some days I feel like Moses only to be overcome with fear like one of the many Israelites. I vacillate from complete fear to staring in the face of God and being overtaken with peace. (Exodus 13 & 14)
Out of it all I understand that I have to be a leader. Like the captain of a ship, if the ship sinks I have to be prepared to go down with it.
In thinking about this being a leader v. a complaining follower I have to laugh a little at God's sense of humor with the Israelites and Moses. He led them as a cloud by day and fire by night, as well as had an angel leading them. He could have taken them the easy way through the land of the Philistines but He knew they would run in fear because they might "see war." So instead he leads them to a place with mountains on both sides, and attacking army to their rear, and the red sea in front. Classic God... putting them in a place where they had to face the fear and with no place to run.
Am I in this place? Am I marching to a place where there is no way out but God? Did Moses feel the apprehension for the Israelites that I feel for my family? Will He part the financial seas for me, or will I drown in my lack of faith?
I don't know where I am in the march, but I know that I am not boxed in yet. I am still at -25 and falling. Though the lights are on, there is a roof over my head, and there is food in the refrigerator. I can still run in fear, rescue what is left and go back to doing it all in my feeble ability. To some that might be good enough, but not for me.
For the Israelites slavery was good enough. To others the wilderness was good enough and the struggle to reach the promise land was not an option. Still there were some like Joshua who knew there is more, much, much more.
Me, turning back is not an option, but I am ready to get there. If it's going to take a battle to get there, to get to the place of experiencing and knowing God as my Provider, then bring it on. Let's go to war.
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