I had every intention of not posting today as I thought that I had nothing to say. The past 24 hours has been a lot of wallowing in self pity. Not on the outside, but certainly on the inside.
Yesterday I took my son to the beach. We had an awesome time. He rode the boogie board, the skim board, did a little fishing, dug a hole... was just a boy. It was nice too because my brother-in-law was there along with my nephew. But the whole ride there my son talked, which is very usual. He asked me where to catch all manner of fish. He shared is most recent snow ski trip with his mom and her family. All good stuff, but it all was eating at me. It was making me sad that there was once a day when I could have shown him the world and more. When a ten thousand dollar vacation was literally nothing. I didn't want to talk about catching wahoo, I wanted to take him to catch one.
At the beach my brother-in-law unintentionally added to my sense of inadequacy by occasionally mentioning the beach house I once had. Which made me think of the boats I had, and all the awesome things I used to do. Like fishing offshore almost every weekend of the summer. I really missed being unhindered by money, and more I felt inadequate that I could not give my 7 year old son those experiences. So I used all of this to justify complaints in my spirit. To say to God, look! Look at me, at what I've lost. Look at my suffering because I no longer have a platinum American Express. Why me and not them?
And then I get smacked in the head this morning with a lesson on gratitude. Crazy, but God demands gratitude in all circumstances. Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 6:8, "If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content." And I have so much more than that to be grateful for... wonderful kids, the most incredible wife, family that loves me and who I love. Sure there are no boats or vacation homes. But there remains plenty of good times to share and things to be grateful for. For that matter there remain many victories in the past where God showed up and did incredible things. If I'm going to look back, that is what I should be looking at.
After all, even David looked back. Before defeating Goliath David looked back and reminded himself that God was with him when he killed a lion and a bear. At Ziglag he looked back and reminded himself of the other victories God had brought. So even though looking back can be dangerous, it can also be inspiring. I think will spend some time looking back at what God has done, and not what has been lost.
The really stupid part is that if I had not bought boats, beach houses, $10K vacations and used my Platinum Amex like a drunken sailor I would be just fine today.
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