Based on the feedback my blog has apparently done it's job and conveyed quite well the spiritual struggle that I am in... to discover God as Provider and Provision. I compared my experience to Abraham taking Isaac to be sacrificed. But I am certainly no Abraham. And this is sad to me. The saddest thing to me is that I believed Abraham took Isaac to the alter expecting God to provide, but willing to kill his own son if God did not provide an alternative sacrifice. Abraham raised the knife on his own son. I am not even close to being in that place of faith. I say with my lips that my house is on the altar, and the equity it represents, but if I am honest my heart is far from it. I march this march purely in obedience, in the hope (not faith) that God is true to His word. - - even as I write this God just shared with me an incredible revelation. Abraham did not have the faith for God to provide until the very point he raised the knife in obedience. All the talk to Isaac that God is Jehovah Jira was lip service. God knows our heart, He has no need to “test” our faith. He knows our exact level of faith. He was not testing Abraham’s faith. He was increasing it.That increase came at the point he raised the knife. Think about it. God could have provided the lamb at any point, but waited until the last second increasing Abraham's faith.
Likewise God is not testing my faith, patience, perseverance, self control... He is increasing them all. Or at least that's the hope.
The apostles asked to have their faith increased. Jesus explains the results of faith and goes into a parable about how the slave comes in from the field not to sit down and eat, but to get cleaned up and serve the master only to eat afterwards. He answers their request for increased faith with, "So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, 'We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.'" The apostles say, increase our faith. Jesus says then obey me and be humble when the results come. If faith is the meal at the end of the day, then it comes after exhaustion of everything we are. At the end of us faith moves.
What does all this look like in the real world? I have no idea. It could be me continuing to grind out a living in the mortgage business. It could be God telling me next week to get a job. It could be a winning lottery ticket. It could be a call to preach and a love offering that meets my needs. It could be someone wanting one of my books. It could be anything. But regardless, I have to be obedient to what I fell God is communicating to me. Not only communicating, but confirming. That obedience is a death experience. Something inside me does not want to obey, and that something must die, it must be brought into submission so that I can obey.
In the midst of it all is support from my trusted friends. They laugh hysterically at me. They have been through this very thing. They laugh because they know how good it is on the other side. I ask, how do I get there? They say, universally... keep going. The only thing to do is keep going.
At this point I wish Donald would put "Live what I believe" on You Tube, but he has not, so enjoy this selection.
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