I begin everyday with some prayer and reading. In addition to my bible I will read Jim Spivey's blog, something from T Austin-Sparks, Henri Nouwen Society's daily post, and Oswald Chambers daily post.
This morning I was hit with this first. It is from Henri Nouwen. On Meeting God in the Poor he says, "When we are not afraid to confess our own poverty, we will be able to be with other people in theirs. The Christ who lives in our own poverty recognizes the Christ who lives in other people's. Just as we are inclined to ignore our own poverty, we are inclined to ignore others'. We prefer not to see people who are destitute, we do not like to look at people who are deformed or disabled, we avoid talking about people's pains and sorrows, we stay away from brokenness, helplessness, and neediness."
I immediately followed it up with a random selection from T Austin-Sparks and this is what I read. "What then is our ministry? We did not set out with this as a full-orbed vision at the first. The Lord just wrought in us a deep and terrible sense of spiritual need and dissatisfaction, and created an intense longing for something altogether fuller than we could find. Then He led us by way of such exercise, and its resultant quest in prayer through deep experiences, which made possible and fruitful the unfolding of His fuller thoughts, intents, and ways for us, and for all who would ''go on'' to His full end. This has gone on through many years, and every bit of new living light has come out of a deepening suffering and cost. So that nothing is just theory; it is experimental. Thus there has steadily grown this sense of Divine purpose and concern that the people of God should come to ''the fullness of Christ.'' ''Each several part'' in its ''due measure,'' and the whole ''Body'' to the ''stature of the fullness. '' Every practical issue has to be a personal matter between those concerned and the Lord."
I enjoyed the reading, but that is all it was... enjoyment. It was not fodder for my prayers, however upon looking back and seeing in the mirror dimly; it was foretelling of just exactly God had in mind.
I was expecting a normal day with two appointments to run for my new job. The first appointment was a bust, and between appointments I needed to get to back to my first client from the day before, and have him initial the contract in a couple of places that I missed. I arrived at his front gate and called. He was not there, but down the street a ways at a cell phone store. I agreed to meet him there where he signed the papers. Nothing special so far.
Leaving I headed to my second appointment. As I was approaching an intersection there was a man holding a sign that said, "Unemployed - 2 kids - PLEASE Help - God Bless." Immediately I knew what I had to do. I gave the man my lunch money and told him God bless. That may not sound like much, but please understand. I have no money in my bank account, I have no credit available to me. And those few dollars had been provided to me by God for lunch. So I literally gave this man my last dollar. No sooner had I done this and my stomach started rumbling. No sooner do I give away my lunch money, and I can't help but notice that Houston has more Mexican restaurants than gas stations.
My next appointment was a no show, but from here I was headed to a very good friend's mother's funeral. She was a lovely, godly woman who survived and thrived. Fifty some odd years of marriage alone will be a great crown of glory for her in heaven. Arriving and hugging my friend I shared his sorrow and loss. His tears were my tears. His mom was truly his best friend, and she will be missed up until the day they reunite in heaven.
So my mind went many different places as the eulogy was given. But mainly it went to the 35 + years I have know my friend and his family. And in those 35 years I was reminded of my life in the same period. Once again began to think of my losses, and what could have been done different. How could I have retained my wealth like the many millionaires attending this funeral?
As the service ended I stopped to talk to a friend of my Dad's who asked me what I was doing. I explained and he shared some more hardships of the economy, but said he would keep his eyes peeled for me for a better job. I didn't ask for that, but thought it was nice.
Now this is where God put the whole day together. As I got in my truck the Holy Spirit asked, "Would you do it again?" The "it" that He was referring to was me riding my business to the bottom of the ocean. You see up until today I have always criticized myself for not shutting the business down a year earlier. I considered myself so stupid for thinking I had any responsibility to the employees. I believed an ex-father-in-law who was openly critical and a perfect arm chair quarterback. I thought that perhaps had I closed it a year earlier I could have preserved the last million or two of equity that seventeen years worth of work produced. Instead I rode it to the very end and complete and total personal bankruptcy.
So in the car the Holy Spirit asked, "Would I do it again?" He was asking, Would I obey God again? Would I put someone else above myself? With tears then, and with tears now I say, "I am proud that I obeyed to the best of my ability. I am glad that I felt responsibility for the employees. Yes, I would do it again." For the first time in 10 years I can once again agree with God on the matter. I would do it again.
I understand that I do have responsibility. I have responsibility to obey, because someone is depending on it. That man on the street needed me to obey and give him a few dollars. My 125 employees needed me to stay with the sinking ship until their rescue arrived. Some left early, some stayed until the very end. But my obedience to keep going, to try to save the ship was needed by so many. In my obedience some might see Christ.
Do you see what God did? The day before He allowed me to miss those initials so that I would have to come back the following day. He arranged for the client to be in the path of the unemployed man. He made sure this all happened at the very end of the $70 I had to last me the entire week, so that when I went to the funeral I would be hungry. Only to be reminded of a past I loved, and a decision I hated, so that I could find a place of forgiving myself. And to find the place to ask God to forgive me for doubting Him.
I cannot write the power, and love, and joy this presence of God is creating in me. For Henri Nouwen, today I confessed my poverty, allowing me to see the poverty in others. Like T Austin-Sparks... "this is not theory." This is me experiencing God Almighty.
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